Q: I have been married for almost 2 years. When I married my wife I thought I loved her. The thing is...for the last year, I have been very unhappy. I always chat online seeing if there is someone else out there that I should have been with.

About a week ago, I met someone. She is beautiful and nice and kind. We chatted and there was this connection. We were going to meet twice, but I didn't go both times. I called and told her I couldn't. She didn't know I was married. I finally told her, because I liked her and didn't want to lie. She was very sad that I was married, but still wanted to meet me.

We met for a "date" and ended up going to a hotel and making love for hours. It was amazing. I realized that I had feelings for her, and I think she has them for me too. I want to date her more and see if she is the one. If fact as I write this I will be seeing her in about an hour. My question is...should I leave my wife, is it unfair to her? Should I stay in case this doesn't work out?

Just so you know..before we married she cheated on me. And she hasn'tslept in the same bed with me for two months. Last night she tried to get in bed with me for the first time, and I didn't even want her touching me.I think she loves me...and I love her....but I am not in love with her anymore. Help me to MAKE UP MY MIND

A: There are all sorts of reasons why you may be feeling the way that you do - reasons that are grounded in emotion, biology and chemistry. The upshot is, however, that you are very unhappy in the choices that you have made, and want to change things. You've met someone else - maybe not *the one*, but a person who has demonstrated that there are other options out there. And the reality is, that once you both *realize* that there are other options out there, *and* are actively willing to pursue them, there's little hope for your primary relationship unless you're willing to work on it, which you don't seem to be.

Assuming you don't have kids, your best bet may just be to get a divorce and move on. You've only been married two years, and if things have already gone this far south, what's the point of hanging in there? Generally speaking - not always of course, but generally - the first couple of years of marriage are really as good as it's going to get. If you're already looking around, take the hint and get out.

If you have kids, the issue becomes more complicated, since *their* well-being trumps yours. But if that's not the case, then you owe it to yourself - and to your spouse, who should also have a shot at finding happiness - to see what else is out there.

Q: I have been with my wife for a little over six years. She is a RN, which I supported her through school. When she graduated, she took a job 100 miles away. So we moved. I tried to keep my job as a truck driver, but it's hard to pick up a load that far away when you are going the opposite direction from home. So I sold my rig, took another job, and have been doing everything I can for us. I began to suspect something back in January. I confronted her about it, and she denied anything was wrong.

Just recently she told me she needed some time and space. I gave it to her, because I wanted to visit my parents. When I got home from that we had a discussion. Sure enough my hunch was right! I had guessed the guy, when it happened and about the right time. I told her that I forgive her, but why did this happen? Will it happen again? She says it won't, but I know I can't believe what she says. I tried to give her everything - love, support, money, me...I just am just DUMBFOUNDED

A: Generally speaking, when you suspect that someone is having an affair, your hunch is right (not always, but much of the time.) That's because many people, especially women, have a difficult time compartmentalizing the things going on in their lives, and end up giving themselves away in a thousand little ways. Vigilance is part of the game when you cheat, and it's something that's tough to maintain.

There are any number of reasons why your wife may have taken this step, but it could be that she has reached the disillusion stage of your marriage and is therefore open to other options. Remember that the marriage/relationship lifecycle consists of infatuation/attachment/ disillusion and, for some, dissolution. One of the most difficult things to realize is that she may be running through this cycle faster than you are, meaning that your feelings about the marriage - and each other - aren't meshing at all. It could also be that, as an RN, she's coming into contact with different types of people and finding you wanting - again, a difficult truth to face.

But there's a sense in which the causes behind her actions, are less important than where you go from here. Getting caught could force her to re-evaluate your relationship and realize that she doesn't want to lose it. On the other hand, that re-evaluation could go the other way too. Certainly there are people out there who cheat a time or two, get caught, vow to cheat no more...and actually don't cheat anymore. It definitely happens, but not as frequently as you might like to think. For many people, getting a taste of something else makes them want more.

It's hard to tell in what direction your wife is going to go, so it may be a more profitable use of your time to consider where YOU might want to go, should she step out again. Don't agonize too much over what *you* might have done to cause this. Chances are you couldn't have stopped her actions. If you want to remain in the relationship, make sure that she knows that you do, and get whatever counseling you need to get over your own anger. But don't be surprised if she comes home one day and says it's over. (Here, by the way, is one of the real reasons why the successful affair is the undiscovered affair - once the affair is discovered, it's nearly impossible to re-establish a home life that isn't wracked with suspicion over every little action.)

Q: Hello, I am going to start by thanking you for taking the time to read this and advise people like you do. My situation I guess is a little different than the other people that ask you questions, since I am not married, I am 21 and have been dating my girlfriend for 2 1/2 years now. I also am not a regular cheater, I only cheated twice (not like it's ok but I just wanted to say that I am not in an "affair").

I am deeply in love with this girl, she's my best friend above all, and I love being with her. Unfortunately our sex life isn't where I wish it would be. I kissed a girl during this past spring-break, and slept with another girl last week, (my girlfriend is gone for 6 weeks). Now I DO NOT want to lose her, I know I have made a huge mistake, and I guarantee you, I won't again.

I was just wondering if you had any advice on whether I should tell her, if yes then "how" so I can keep her, or if I should not tell her at all. I have talked to a couple of my closest friends about this, and one says I should tell and not be selfish, and the other says that I will get nothing positive out of telling her, it will only make things worse for the both of us. Help! ON THE VERGE

A: Oh dear, where to start? :)

At the beginning, I guess - at 21 you are TOO YOUNG to have any sort of serious relationship going. You should be dating all sorts of girls, learning what you like and don't like, and basically having as much fun and as many experiences as you can, before settling down, if you decide to do so. This doesn't mean you can't see your current girlfriend, but she should by no means not be the only person you're seeing (safe sex, please.)

One of the reasons that you may be 'cheating' within what you seem to be presenting as a committed relationship, is that you have reached the disillusion stage of the relationship lifecycle. If you've been with her 2-1/2 years and feel that you're not really getting what you need, then you are right on time in terms of feeling disatisfied. And things don't improve. You can't turn back the clock and get the infatuation you once felt for her back - it doesn't work that way. And if you're bored and looking around now, in a few years you'll be climbing the walls.

Which brings up another point - lousy sex. Women have been known to accept lousy sex as part of a greater package - the guy's attractive, or rich, or successful, or on his way to being successful, or merely adequate but the best compromise choice the woman could make at the time. There's a fair number of women also who pretend to like sex so that they can hook you, but once they do, they cut you off (the old bait 'n switch.)

For men, however, sex is often super-important, particularly when you're young. Please pay attention to the following - chances are you will not be able to stay faithful to this woman over time. You just won't. Or if you do, you'll be so ticked off and frustrated that the frustration will spill into your work and 'outside' life. It's just that simple. If she's not giving you what you want now, you'll never get it. It may, of course, be a matter in part of education - your letting her know what you want, and how, etc. But what if things don't improve? You're stuck. What's the point?

Finally, the issue of, 'should I tell her I cheated?' Here's both the short and the long answer - NO! In the first place, you're not married, so you're still a free agent (not that I would ever recommend admitting an affair to a spouse either.) Absolutely no good will come from baring your soul about all this - your girlfriend will be pissed off and will harp on it continuously, every action you take from this point on will be dissected by her and her girlfriends, etc., etc., and who the hell needs the aggravation? Forget it.

Here's the bottom line - 'love', for better or worse, is often a crapshoot. If you leave this girl, you may never find anyone you like as much. You may moon over her for the rest of your life. In other words, you may feel down the line like you lost in the love sweepstakes, and maybe you will have. On the other hand, you may find someone you like far better, and have a happier life and more successful kids, etc. - and you win. Or it may be a draw. There's no telling what the future holds, and whatever you do, you may easily end up regretting lost opportunities and what might have been. Most adults do. That's just the nature of life.

But one thing I CAN tell you, pretty much without reservation, is that if you don't see what else is out there when you're young and have the chance to do so, and instead stay with someone who isn't doing the job in bed, you are going to be spending a great deal of your time down the road really pissed off, and looking around. Cheating is going to become a habit, no matter how badly you feel about it, and you don't sound like the kind of guy who's really comfortable leading a double life. Keep that in mind when you think about what to do.

Q: I am married and see different women at work who look good and I wonder what they would be like in the sack. Is that normal? Should I follow through?AWFULLY CURIOUS

A:You are a-OK normal. In fact, if you *weren't* looking around, you'd be less than normal.

Follow-through is something else, however. You *must* think through the consequences of your actions before embarking on an affair, because once you start, you can't go back.

Some tips -

• no affairs at work, or in your social circle (which takes care of the chicks down the hall. Why? Because they're tough to keep secret - body language alone can give you away - and because women get particularly incensed when they discover their friends have gotten their hooks into you.
• no wholesale changes to look or lifestyle - while you are in an affair, you must be careful to maintain your home life in the same way it already is. In other words, no hair transplants, no sudden decision to go the gym, no flowers for your wife when you're not normally generous, no making hurried phone calls on your home phone...in other words, what your life is prior to the affair, is what it must be *during* the affair.
• safe sex please - the old adage, 'don't bring home anything you can't wash off' applies here. Condoms from the get-go, but remember - there are some weird people out there, and infection is everywhere. Be careful.
• if caught, deny, deny, deny. - Why? Because your spouse probably doesn't want to know anyway. When an affair is discovered, all the power shifts to your spouse. She's the one who's going to be making the new rules, if she decides to stay in the marriage, or making the decision to leave.

There are many other tips in my book THE 50-MILE RULE, but whatever decision you make, *think* before you act.

Q: I have gotten involved with a married man. It was more my fault than his. I started the relationship. I am also married. My husband is much older than me and we haven't has sex for over 2 years. I wanted an extramarital relationship that would be more of a companionship/friendship relationship. My husband doesn't do anything with me and we don't have anything in common anymore. I thought it would be great to get involved with a married man and then we could do things together and have some fun without any pressure to get a divorce. Nice try! I think I am falling in love with him. Great! Now I am really depressed. We haven't had sex yet. I don't think I could handle it. What should I do? OUT OF OPTIONS

A: One of the things you need to do in situations like this is follow your gut, and what your gut is probably telling you, is to end this outside relationship. Not because it's 'wrong' or etc. - it sounds like you definitely need some outside resources in your position - but because this particular situation doesn't sound at all workable, for a couple of reasons.

First, because you're feeling like you are 'falling in love' with the other guy, even though you don't seem to know him that well. Sometimes when we are at the end of our tether, the next person who comes along seems to hold the answer to our problems. In other words, proximity and convenience may have a great deal to do with your growing affection for this other guy. That's a bad basis for a new relationship.

Second, because you don't think you can handle sex with this other guy. It could be guilt, fear, or any number of other factors, but whatever the reason, your gut is telling you not to take this route. It's not worth adding more bad feelings on top of the bad feelings that you already have regarding your marriage.

What you might want to consider doing is *not* having an affair - since in this case it is less of a solution than a new complication - but re-evaluating your marriage. It may be time to get out, or to re-negotiate with your husband so there's more interaction between you. It sounds like you are making decisions out of a feeling of desperation more than love. It's easy to make big mistakes that you can't take back, when you act from desperation. So my advice would be, cool it with the married guy, step back, re-evaluate your marriage, and if it just isn't working, then either get help or get OUT. Do what has the best chance of making you happy in the long run. An affair is a short-term answer to a long-term problem, and it's the long-term problem that you need to be concentrating on at this moment.

Q: Over a year ago (last Feb), my husband cheated on me. We separated and came very close to divorce. We always got along and began to date (in October). We have been together since this past December.

Now he goes to his brother's house and plays cards till 5am, two to four times a week. I believe he is being faithful. In his mind, he's just playing cards with a friend, in my mind, no one needs to be out till 5-6am...it's getting to the point where I'm ready to leave. It causes huge arguments, he won't even discuss it, he thinks I'm being ridiculous.....HELP ME!!!!

A: For a variety of reasons 'guys' night out' always drives women crazy - whether it's the beer, the cigars, the cards, or the proximity (maybe) to other women. Even when they're up to nothing in particular, there's a juvenile quality to the situation that can be profoundly annoying to outsiders.

And of course, this is exacerbated by the fact that the guy has already stepped out on you once, so suspicion is heaped on *top* of annoyance!

There are a few ways to approach this. Your husband could be looking at his nights out as an alternative to doing other things, like cheating. He may be looking to get away from you and the kids if any, a way of taking a break. He may be extremely resentful, feeling that you are applying all sorts of pressure on him, even if you aren't conscious of acting that way. Maybe he feels that you're being a harpy. You need to ask, actually, and clear the air on this.

What's the answer? Communication, if you feel the marriage is worth saving. Your husband may not. If he doesn't, that's information that you need to have, in order to make your own plans for the future. Your relationship is right now in a tentative stage, and needs to be addressed in a different way. One or both of you are letting frustrations fester that are going to get the better of you. Now's the time to get a handle on this situation, before adultery again becomes an attractive option to one or both of you.

Q: I am a married guy. I have been married 4 years and I guess we have gotten into a groove. The sex is good when it happens, which is not frequently enough for me, but I love her and respect her. We have our moments. I guess I've always felt that she is trying to make me into the mate she wants. I don't expect her to change at all. I've told her I would like her to accept me the way I am now because I don't know if I can become her perfect mate, to be exactly the guy she wants me to be. She can be very stubborn and unforgiving when it comes to this.

I have started sleeping with a colleague from work. She is also married. We often have to be out of town together working on projects, and this is when our first encounter happened a few weeks ago. I guess she was the initiator, but I had seen it coming and did not fight it at all. It wasn't just a one night stand thing, we are good buddies and have a lot fun together. We spent two nights in the hotel together. Then we did it in the car - we had planned to get together on this day a week earlier.

I am at a loss. She is more emotionally into this relationship. I am trying to keep it as a purely sexual thing. But I know I am growing closer to my work mate the more we see each other. She is fun to be around, attractive etc... and it is exciting. It makes me feel young again and takes me back to a time when I was single and having a great time.

A: There's a lot going on here. First, playing around at work is a big mistake, and I do mean a big one. One of the main rules laid down in THE 50-MILE RULE is that your wife and girlfriend shouldn't live within 50 miles of each other. And office affairs are a definite no-no.

You're at risk in a variety of different ways here, not least from your lover, who might decide to blow the whistle on you to personnel when you tell her you want to end things. There's also the danger of co-workers figuring out what's going on and dropping a dime on you to your wife. You are treading on very dangerous ground even though, since your girlfriend is married, it's in her best interests to keep her mouth shut. The longer you perpetuate this particular relationship, the more difficulty you are creating for yourself.

Second, marriages have lifecycles - infatuation, attachment, disillusion and dissolution. One of the things that makes marriage so difficult is that the two parties generally - although not always - travel through that lifecycle at different rates. It sounds like you are at the disillusion stage, which is going to make reconciling yourself to this marriage difficult to say the least. One doesn't just reverse this cycle. Once the bloom's off it's off, and if you don't have kids or extensive ties to one another, there's little to hold you together except habit and fear.

Part of the reason the lifecycle exists, is so that people will seek out genetic variety by mating with a variety of people...a desire most of us have that doesn't jibe with law or religious dictate. Nevertheless the desire exists, and the fact that you're attracted to your co-worker in much the same way that you originally were to your wife, indicates just how accurate a predictor the lifecycle can be.

Keep in mind that affairs follow a similar lifecycle but the time is greatly compressed. In other words, if your marriage ran the table in four years, your current affair might last only 12 or 18 months, if that. And if your girlfriend is already getting possessive you're going to have a whole other set of problems once you're ready to leave. That's bad juju.

So, even though you may be done with your marriage for all intents and purposes and think you have found happiness in this new relationship, chances are it ain't so. If you decide to divorce you may just find that you want to put all of this - wife and girlfriend - in the past, and start afresh. Do you want to have to deal with the fallout of your girlfriend's divorce? Deal with her kids if she has any? That's a heavy burden to bear, and once faced with the reality and gravity - not to mention the financial costs -of her situation, you may find that what you feel for her simply isn't enough to balance the aggravation of her divorce.

Or, maybe it will be. That's one of the tough things about interpersonal relationships - it's hard to know what's right. Staying married may or may not be the right choice for you. There's simply no way to predict that, and no way to know what the opportunity cost of choosing one way or the other will be. The only way to find out, is to make a choice, and then live with it.

Your decision to end your marriage is one that only you can make. It should not be influenced by your wife's suicide threats, which are probably bogus and offered simply as a way of controlling you, a passive-aggressive way of getting you to toe the line. And if they're not bogus, than she's got problems far in excess of anything you want to get involved with. Let her family deal with it.

So be cautious in pursing this affair with your co-worker. Would you have gone out of your way to pick this woman up at a bar or at a convention out of town? Chances are that you're infatuated by proximity and what you perceive as convenience, not by genuine feelings. That's a bad mixture.

Q: My last couple years of marriage weren't good. A while ago I suspected an affair. I asked my wife, who denied it, so I hired a PI. I got proof, but she still lied until I spilled some of the proof. She still didn't seem to take it seriously so I filed for divorce.

Now she wants to 'work it out', go to counseling... I'm her 'one and only' apparently. My family and friends say to get out and go on with my life, that she will hurt me again if I take her back. I'm afraid if I do take her back, that she'll hold getting a divorce against me and that she will turn into her mother, who's a real piece of work. At the same time I hate to just walk away because we really had something special the first 4-5 years of our lives together. Do people change like this and can they go back? CONFUSED AND DEMORALIZED

A: Aren't we all?

There are some really telling points in your letter, so we'll deal with them one by one.

First, it's pretty well established that women inevitably turn into their mothers, which is why men should carefully scope out the mother-in-law situation before asking the big question. Precisely why this is, is a matter of some debate, but probably has to do with a combination of heredity, learned behavior, and proximity. In any event, let this be a warning to you the next time around.

Second, by asking to come back and declaring that you are her 'one and only', your wife is running pretty much to form. As a general rule - and of course, there are exceptions - women discovered in adulterous situations claim that their husbands are far superior to the affair partner, while men generally claim fealty to their mistresses. It comes down to saying whatever it takes to maintain security for women, and pride for men.

Third, you're a textbook example of the 'marriage lifecycle' - infatuation/attachment/disillusion/dissolution - which is explained in far greater detail in THE 50-MILE RULE. Once a marriage reaches the disillusion stage - particularly when you're childless - it doesn't take much to push it over the edge, and it can never really be rekindled with the same person to the same intensity.

Fourth, short of getting hit by lightning or meeting up with the ghost of Christmas past, people really don't change.

Our advice? Let her go her merry way, and you go yours. You'll be happier for it.

(E-mail us with your adultery questions by clicking the link below, or send to indignant80@hotmail.com. Please put 'Question' in the subject line. Unless specifically requested otherwise, we'll post the best questions to the site...without attribution, of course, since discretion is also OUR by-word. But don't forget...there's nothing private about e-mail. Be cautious with extracurricular communications.)