Q: I don't know where to start, but here goes. There is this guy, and he and I have been pretty good friends for a while. He and I can relate to everything, we have a lot in common and talk about everything. I am totally comfortable around him and there is a physical attraction too. Recently, I have started to notice our feelings for each other increasing. I have several major problems though. The smallest being that I have a boyfriend. I care about him a lot, but I'm not sure who means more to me or who is better suited for me, I don't want to cheat.

The bigger problem is that the guy who I have the connection wth is my cousin's husband. The even bigger problem is that they have a 3-year old daughter and another on the way. Recently this guy and I have gotten our feelings out in the open together. It is a really strange situation and really confusing. I don't want to cause problems with my cousin and her husband, but he was already talking about divorce. Again, I don't know what the rest of the family would say and also me and my cousin have always been close and I don't want to ruin that either, but I CAN'T STOP MY FEELINGS.

A: There are numerous issues here, so let's hit the highlights. You make an excellent point, about wanting to discover who means more to you, or is better suited to you. That's the point of dating. The fact that you are not married to your boyfriend, means that you remain a free agent. You may like the guy, but now's the time to see what else is out there. Only when you're confident that you're making the best choice available to you, should you commit. Which is not to say, by the way, that you should go out of your way to embarrass or humiliate your boyfriend publicly.

Being interested in your cousin's husband, however, is a different kettle of fish, and here's why. The 50-mile rule states that you should never have an affair within a certain geographic radius, but what it means in a broader sense, is that you should never have an affair within your work, social, or family circle. The complications are just too overwhelming. Think about seeing the guys' kids at a family function somewhere down the road, if you were the person who came between their parents. 'Awkward' doesn't quite describe that kind of scenario.

Consider this as well. Your cousin's husband has a toddler and a new baby on the way. If his marriage is sort of shaky already, he's probably looking at this as a life sentence in the Chuck E. Cheese penitentiary (not that he didn't have a fair amount to do with creating the situation, by the way - birth control, anyone?)

In any event, the guy is probably casting about for anything - and maybe anyone - to mitigate what he's feeling about the situation. He may be interested in you more because of proximity - and your obvious interest and availability - than because he feels love for you in any genuine way, and this is something you need to consider before taking steps towards hooking up with this guy. If he is leaning towards divorce (and I'm not sure just how great a catch a guy is, who would walk away from a pregnant wife), you may be better off letting him go through with that, and seeing what happens once he's free to make other decisions.

You may find that he'll decide to walk away from everything - ex-wife, you, the whole family. That often happens in these situations - the guy just wants to put the whole thing, and everything related to it, behind him. In other words, in this kind of situation, I'm not sure you want to be in the line of fire should an affair between the two of you come to light. I'd question his motives, frankly.

In any event, if you decide to pursue a relationship with him while his married, be discreet, safe sex please, and no going to each other's homes for sex. 'Hiding in plain sight' isn't the way to go in this situation.

Q: Dear Adulteress (my hero), I just started to hang out with this older man from work. We're both in committed relationships but not married and not yet living with our partners. We spend many work breaks together and go out drinking at least once a week. The sexual tension between us is incredible. We both feel and acknowledge the energy by talking about our fantasies and what- if scenarios. We both wish our partners would be open to swinging, however only my partner has been receptive to the concept, and only if with another woman. I am seriously conflicted. It is almost inevitable that I will have an affair with this man. I need your advice and quick...... INEVITABLE

A: I'm thrilled to be someone's hero. :)

If I'm reading this right, both you and this guy from work are in committed relationships, but these relationships aren't marriage, and neither of you are living with the other person, and your boyfriend is cool with the threesome concept, but only if it's another woman and not another man.

In my personal opinion, the only 'commitment' that counts when push comes to shove, is marriage. If you're not married, and not living with the other person, you remain a free agent. Which of course, doesn't mean that the person to whom you are committed, might not kick you to the curb if he finds out that you've been playing around on the side, but 'cheating' takes on a different meaning in these circumstances.

For example, I was listening to a radio show today where a woman was complaining about the fact that her live-in boyfriend of eleven years was still debating as to whether to marry her. Chances are, he never will (though she was still hopeful), so the woman in question could probably do worse than to look around and see what else is out there, if getting married is something that is important to her. (She could of course take the high road and leave that relationship prior to checking out the competition, but live-in relationships are hard to leave, since they involve combined finances, leases, etc... plus it's nice to have a home base to come back to while you're out on the hunt.)

In other words, she's committed, sort of, but the commitment doesn't seem to have much of a future for her, so she needs to be exploring other options. I mention this because one of the things both you and your office guy need to figure out for yourselves, is just how committed 'committed' actually is within your own situations.

Maybe it's time for you to start looking at other options, too, but just like people within marriages must do before starting an affair, you've got to figure out all the possible outcomes of a discovered affair, and decide which ones you can live with, and then plan accordingly. Sometimes the risk that comes from being exposed is just too great - and sometimes, you realize that, once you really think about it, the 'committed' relationship you're in isn't worth pursuing because it's leading nowhere. Only you can make that decision, but you've got to think it through before taking action.

A couple of other things - it's never a good idea to date a person in your office, married or not, particularly if he is in a position of authority over you. Too many things can go wrong - you could end up hating each other, he could have you fired or transferred, or he may need to end the situation and there you are mooning over him every time you go to the xerox machine. And of course there's the ever-present sexual harrassment suit, often utilized when one person dumps the other, and the other person decides to get a little revenge. A bad idea, all the way around.

One other thought - if your boyfriend is totally up for a threesome with another woman, it may be a good to question exactly how committed he is to you. 'Committed relationships' generally mean that you and the guy in question are so tied up with each other that you're not interested in anyone else...at least before marriage. :)

On the one hand, you want to sleep with someone from the office, and on the other, your boyfriend wants to go at it with someone who *isn't* you, even though you may be physically present. The whole scenario, frankly, should give you pause, and make you reflect on just how 'committed' things are around your house, because whatever the situation is now, it will only get more complicated if and when you get married.

Q:I found your website yesterday while searching in desperation for some answers. I have been married only two years and we have an 11-month old son. Lately cracks have begun to appear in our marriage and I question why we got married so quickly. My husband wants us to have another child soon and I am having doubts as to whether or not I want that.

After seeing my brother-in-law a lot recently I started to have feelings for him. At first I thought it was because he was so like my husband and I was simply trying to get back some of the excitement my husband and I had in our relationship in the beginning. However, now I feel its more than that. Two days ago my brother-in-law and I were talking and he told me that he is attracted to me. I confessed my feelings also and we kissed.

We talked again and discussed whether or not we should have an affair. We have not really decided. He has said that he would feel guilty and worries that someone will get hurt. We cannot help our feelings for one another. He is unhappy in his marriage also. We don't want anyone to get hurt we just want to explore our feelings a little bit. Unfortunately though we have not obeyed the 50 mile rule and I realise things could get difficult later being in the same family. You will probably tell me to run as fast as I can in the other direction...But all I want to do is BE WITH HIM.

A:You're in quite a pickle, as they say. *Please* do not consider having another child until you resolve this situation. Doing so would not be fair to anyone, especially the child.

That having been said, it's not so surprising that you might fall for your husband's biological brother. After all, he shares many of the same traits as your husband, and a similar upbringing. What's surprising, actually, is that these situations don't occur more frequently.

That doesn't make them easier to bear, or to cope with, however. Clearly you have reached the point in your marriage where you are disillusioned with your husband, and your life. You may well have woken up one morning, looked around and said 'what the hell am I doing here?' Once you've reached that stage in the relationship lifecycle, it's nearly impossible to turn the clock back. With the blinders of attachment to your husband suddenly removed, you start looking around and weighing other possibilities, and here comes someone who has many of the same traits as your husband, leavened with some differences - someone similar and yet different in tantalizing ways. All of a sudden, there you are, mooning after someone who also seems to be mooning after you.

While I sympathize totally with your situation, I have to agree with your own assessment, that you should probably run as fast as you can from having an affair with your b-i-l. Doing something like that could literally tear your husband's family apart, if the affair becomes known. Parents and siblings would have to take sides, and you and your child would bear the brunt of the anger. Even if you and the b-i-l decide to divorce your respective spouses and marry immediately, there will be a great deal of animosity within the family. And affairs like this are hard to keep secret - think of the body language and secret visual messages you'll be giving each other during family get-togethers. What the 50-mile rule really refers to, is that you should never have an affair within your work or social circle. That includes 'family circle', too. The feelings of betrayal can be just too great.

There may be a way to make this work, however. If you and the b-i-l both divorce, and then wait a while before beginning a discreet relationship, it would be possible to present your relationship as one that evolved after your respective divorces, as opposed to being the *cause* of those divorces. In that case, family members might be somewhat more forgiving, and the collateral damage lessened considerably. You may even find that, what you're feeling now for the guy, won't translate with the same intensity once he's actually available. While siblings often share lovable traits, they can share annoying traits too, and the same things that are bugging you about your current husband could be present in even larger quantities, in his brother.

In any event, and whatever you do, *be careful*. Discretion is all in these matters, particularly when children are involved. If you do decide to pursue the relationship, do so well outside your geographic area, use protection no matter how much you might want to have this other man's child, and keep your contacts with him at the same level and intensity as they have been in the past. It's a tough juggle, although certainly possible to pull off. Just remember that what you feel for this other man will probably dissipate as well, over time. Make sure you have thought through all the ramifications of exposure before you act.

Q: My husband of 26 years was involved in a two-year affair, with a woman 10 years older than us( we are 49). She was a customer at his retail buisness, her husband died, she needed help, he felt sorry, blah,blah, blah. I discovered the affair by accident, he sorry, never meant to hurt me, was never going to leave etc,etc. We have 4 children, ages 12-25, it has taken him 6 months to admit to a sexual relationship with her, at first he denied,denied,denied. He used no contraceptives-"she was clean"! he says the affair is over, but just recently admits that she still comes into the store occasionally to see him, he tells her, "he can't help her anymore". He also admitted to giving her money, "to help her out".

We have always had a good sexual relationship, at least 5 times a week- whatever he wanted - and so I thought as long as we were having sex at home, there would be no reason for him to look else where. He says he could talk to her, she was a very good friend. He ended it because he got caught. What can I do? How can I know it's over ? Help me, please I love him, but I DON'T WANT TO SHARE HIM

A: Affairs are not always about sex, though that seems to be the recurring theme in most. Since of the underlying (and often subconscious) issues in seeking out affairs is generally reproductive variety, it's always quite something to hear about guys going after women who are past childbearing. Obviously there are other issues at work here.

In a broader sense, however, one of the things we look for in a long-term marriage - or more correctly, assume that we will find - is someone who will move in synch with us through all of the changes and stages of life. All too many people find, to their considerable despair, that it often doesn't work that way, despite shared obligations, kids, and expectations to the contrary.

One of the themes of my book is that 'the successful affair is the undiscovered affair', and your situation is a case in point. Putting aside the issues of 'right' and 'wrong' - it's clear what your husband did was wrong, according to most intepretations - before he was found out, his fidelity or lack thereof wasn't an issue. Now it is, at a time in your life when you probably least want to contend with such a thing, and frankly have the fewest options if indeed the marriage goes south.

Unfortunately, once people start having affairs, there's no way to know whether their promises to never to so again, will hold up. Once people start cheating they often find they like it, and want to do so again. A marriage of 26 years probably has its share of boring moments, disappointments, and communications disconnects, and it is to this aspect of your relationship that your husband may be reacting. Sex 5x a week with the same person for over 26 years is, well, sex with the same person for over 26 years. What you're assuming was a way to keep him from straying - total availability - may have been the thing that set him off looking for someone else.

In any event, there's no way to know what's in the guy's mind, so it's up to you to decide whether or not your relationship is going to continue. One thing to consider is that affairs are often just a detour on the matrimonial highway, a tactical approach to a long-term marriage strategy. That may not be particularly comforting when you're the person on the other end, but nevertheless. The question you must ask yourself is whether or not it's worth chucking 26 years of marriage - and the financial security that comes with it - over something that in the long term will probably be meaningless.

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