Q: I have been in a serious relationship for about two years now with my girlfriend. About eight months ago she went away on a vacation for about two weeks. She admitted to me that she had kissed another guy during those two weeks when she came back. By asking questions I found out that she had 'made out' with this same guy several times.

It was about this time that you can pretty much say that we both 'worshipped' each other; I can honestly say I couldn't imagine myself with another girl. She would say many things like "I'd never kiss another guy" or "I'd never cheat on you." We were also both virgins at the time, and we just lost our virginity together about two months ago. Although I tell her that I've forgiven her for doing what she did, I still think back about it all the time.

Now that we aren't virgins anymore and have only explored sex with each other, I am worried that she will want to explore different people and take it to the point as, what I like to call it, "severe cheating." She still claims that she will never cheat on me, but the fact that she already has, has me aware that she is capable of doing what I once thought she would never do. She is a very sweet, lovable girl and I love her very much, but it's still hard for me to trust her which makes me very uneasy about myself because I want to trust her. I'm afraid if she is away from me for a long period that she will cheat. Do you think she may be capable (I know this may be hard to base an opinion on because you don't know her personally)? If so, how should I handle the situation, and if not, how can I get to a point were I can trust her to be away from me for long periods of time (like a couple of weeks for example?) EX-VIRGIN

A: Here's a thought that should clarify your situation - 'Anyone is capable of doing anything at anytime.' You may think you're not capable of murder - you're wrong, given a certain set of circumstances. You may think you're not capable of cheating - you're *definitely* wrong. And you may think that your *girlfriend* is incapable of cheating - and there you're wrong again.

This is not to say that cheating is inevitable - it is not. Just because the urge may exist doesn't mean that people have to act on it - many don't. What you must understand, however, is that circumstances may come about that make cheating easy, or likely, or fun, or just possible, and that not everyone is capable of - or willing to - slow that train down. That's a fact of life, and one that it's just better to accept right now.

You don't mention how old you are - I will assume that you're a young adult, and that your girlfriend is too. Now you may agree with me or not, but while I'm not a big fan of overt promiscuity, I'm also not a big fan of virginity. Being a virgin gets in the way of clear thinking much of the time. The fact that you are over that particular hurdle is a good thing, because it now frees you to make smarter decisions.

No one is saying, by the way, that you should run out and bang every girl who comes your way. The number of STDs out there alone makes that silly and unadvisable. *However*, in my opinion, you will always regret *not knowing* what else is out there, if you stick with this person and don't at least check out other options. The fact that she has kissed and made out with someone else, proves that *she* is, right? And for a good reason! You've got to get all of this out of your system before you settle down with someone in a more permanent way. Otherwise all you think about is what you've missed and what might have been. Love is a great and wonderful thing, but it rarely lasts a lifetime, at least in its physical permutation. There's just too much choice out there, too many options these days, particularly for men. To not 'explore and make sure' is just, well, dumb.

Life is full of compromise. One of the reasons that we often 'choose' a particular person, is because they 'chose' us. In other words, they put up with us, tolerate us, have sex with us, and seem to like us. All that's great. But if you marry or have a serious relationship with the first person who comes along like this, you may be missing out on even better options. Of course, if you *don't* take advantage of what this person who loves and tolerates you is offering, and go out looking for something else but don't find it, and the first person's no longer interested - well, then, maybe you blew it. That's the nature of life. That's why most people aren't particularly happy. That's the way it goes.

In other words, there's no way to tell you that if you stay with your girlfriend, it'll be great, or that if you dump her, you'll find someone else better, either immediately or ever. It just can't be done. You're the person who has to choose. Choose right, and you'll have a shot at happiness. Choose wrong, and you may spend the rest of your life regretting what you did. One thing I'm *pretty* certain you'll regret down the road, however, is not experiencing other women, both sexually and in terms of relationship, while you're free to do so. The only way to know that your girlfriend is the right person for you, is to compare her to what else is out there. And the only way to know what else is out there, is to look for it. Your girlfriend is!

Q: About 3 years ago, I met a married man out one evening through a friend. We continued on with a sexual relationship for about 9 months. During this time I was also involved with 2 other men. I ended up pregnant and letting all men involved know. Two of the three men did not test positive on the DNA as my child's father. The third man and remaining man is married. I contacted this man to let him know of the results six months after the birth of my son. His response, why tell him, what difference does it make, and what was it that I wanted. The conversation was an argument and that is how it was left. At that time I felt that I was doing right by my son by letting the biological father slide.

Needless to say the past year and half has been filled with a lot of ups and downs being a single parent and trying to do what is in the best interest of my son. I recently ran into my son's father out one night and was very surprised that I found myself with a variety of emotions. From one end being physical attracted to him to anger that he doesn't accept responsiblity. I have not pursued any financial support through the state but when I mentioned to him that I was thinking about it, he offered to help out with paying half the daycare and visiting with his son. I would like my son to know who his father is and that he has a half-brother. But, I am not sure of what I should do or how I should go about any of it. He is still married and he hasn't changed any of his ways . Any advice? RIDING A ROLLER COASTER 24/7

A: I'm curious as to what response you actually expect from this guy. To have an affair with someone is one thing - to have a child with the man out of wedlock that the guy clearly doesn't want, is something else. Part of responsible affair management is safe sex, and that means avoiding pregnancy. This man undoubtedly feels that you set him up, and by pursuing him to fulfill his 'responsibility' to a child he didn't want, clearly, you HAVE set him up.

The ultimate responsibility you have now, of course, is to your child. Having brought him into the world, you must now do the best you can on his behalf. His father clearly must contribute to this effort, and pay up for his indiscretions. That's the way it goes sometimes. When you get caught out in such an obvious way, there's a price to be paid. The only price the father is willing to pay is financial at this point, but clearly you want more. You've got a stand-off going, and the person actually paying the price is your son.

Ultimately, you were in the wrong bringing into the world a child whose biological father wants nothing to do with him. That's the height of irresponsibility. The upshot is, yes, you have every legal right to go after the father, and to get him to pay up. You can't force him to want to interact with the child, though, or to interact with you. By doing something that has irretrievably changed this man's life - something he didn't want - you have lost whatever leverage you may have had.

Get what money you can out of him, but it's time to abandon any thought of a more on-going relationship with the man. Perhaps by laying low and not getting in his face, he may come around. Chances are, however, that he won't. It's time to cut your emotional losses and focus on your child. His welfare should take precedence.

Q: Thank you in advance for taking the time to address this question. I was wondering, in your opinion, is there, or are there, any positive situations or relationships that ever evolve from extra-marital relationships?

Let me paint my picture. Unfortunately, I am married and currently involved in a relationship with another man, whom is also married, both of us unhappily (I think I can speak for him without dillusion.) I have been married seven years (apparently that is a magic number?) and have young children, the first one being the reason we were married at all. My husband is a nice guy and a good father but I am not in love with him now or have ever been nor probably ever will be. We dated for approximately a year (this was a rebound relationship for me) and then discovered I was pregnant. Being over 31 years old, I felt that "someone or something" was telling me that it was time to settle down.

My boyfriend (now husband) was thrilled as he had spend the previous 8 years in the house by himself with everyone around him getting married etc etc. (However, he did seem to entertain a great deal of ladies over those years as well.) I was the answer to his loneliness and I caved in to the pressure of my age and my parents and peers and figured I might as well take responsibility for my actions. I almost had a nervous breakdown the night before the wedding as I knew then and there that this was not for me. However, we entered the bliss of married life...

Time has gone on and I told him last year that I was not happy, did not love him and really was considering moving out but wanted to discuss this. At the same time, many of my friends were telling me that apparently he was "seeing" this neighbor girl. To be honest, I was really hoping that he was because it would have made things so much easier leaving. I really didn't care. We have very very few common friends or interests. Around the same time, I became involved with someone (completely by accident) that I had feelings for since the moment I had met him years before. (I always had a suspicion however that one day we would cross this bridge...yes, I know that sounds corny) I didn't sleep with him for several months because, it would just be wrong because we are both married.

Everyone knows that my friend is in an unhappy marriage and everyone knows that I am. My "friend" and I talk on the phone everyday, and we have lunch on the average of once a week and have had slept together on only a few occasions. I try and try not to carry on with this but I really can't picture a day without at least speaking with him. It is not about the sex. (There's not enough of it...it is just him!)

My husband is a decent guy, we have great sex....(as long as he doesn't kiss me.) He has threatened to kill himself already if I leave (which I don't think he really would) and if and when I do, he will be very very immature to deal with. I don't want to sound like a disillusioned kid and talk about soulmates. I think I can honestly say that I have been in love before and know the difference between being in "love" and not being in love as well as knowing the difference between making love and sex...and there is a difference.

I have been brought up that if you're married you're married, deal with it whether you like it or not..that's what my parents have done. I am a little pig-headed and perhaps selfish and believe that life is very very short and if you are going to be with someone, your companion or spouse should be someone you like. It is easy to find someone to live with but it is difficult to find someone you can't live without. This is how I feel right now. It is just a feeling in my gut.

Everything you read is doom and gloom, I know I know, 5% of extra marital affairs work - 95% don't, blah blah. I look at the relationship of Johnny Cash and June Carter - June being a "god-fearing" person in a generation where you didn't leave your husband. She and Johnny were both married when they met and tried hard not to carry on but gave in to their feelings and their heart and have been together until both of their recent deaths. He could't live without her...

I would be the last one to rush into another marriage or even having someone move in or vice versa. A normal date would be nice without having to look over your shoulder. I have wanted out of this marriage from the time it started, I don't look at this as leaving "for another man" because that is not it. However, is it at all possible for people to meet their "life partner" or "soul-mate" (for lack of better words) while being married to someone else?TIRED AND DOWN

A: Not only has 'meeting your soul mate' or whatever while married happened to other readers, it has happened to me. And I didn't go for it, and ended up getting divorced anyway, and the 'guy who got away' got away, so I'll never know whether or not something wonderful could have transpired. I will, however, regret *not* knowing for the rest of my life.

On the other hand, I could have had an affair with the guy, gotten found out by my then-husband, and had regrets there too. That's the key to the whole deal- you don't know how any of this is going to turn out until you take the risk, but once you *take* that risk, you can't go back. That's both the challenge, and the opportunity, as they say. But the stakes can be high.

You have kids, and so your options are limited - that's just the reality of the deal - and everything you do, what*ever* you do, has to keep them as safe and protected as possible. But you are, of course, right, in that life is short, and staying in a relationship with someone you really can't abide isn't much of an answer (if, however, you knew that you weren't in love with the guy, why did you have have more kids with him?)

Whatever your ultimate decision is, do *not* fall for that 'I'm going to kill myself' blackmail bullshit. If the guy is that unstable that he takes his own life, then he's got issues that go way beyond losing or not losing you. The correct response to that is 'fine, go ahead', then collect the kids and leave. That is a manipulative tactic used when people have nothing more creative or convincing in their arsenal, and is both bankrupt and corrosive. Ignore it, and don't let it govern your decision one way or the other.

If you are that unhappy in your marriage, the best response may just be to leave, but not to worry about what your boyfriend is planning to do. Yes, the statistics about the chances of marrying a lover are dismal, and they are dismal for a reason - when people walk away from marriage, they tend to walk away from *everything* involved in that stage of their life. They want to start fresh, and the girlfriend or boyfriend is just a reminder of everything that was going on during an unhappy period. If you truly want out, and feel that leaving is the best thing for you *and* your kids, then do it, but do it based on your ability to deal with life on your own if it comes to that. Your boyfriend may have a whole other agenda when it comes to you, one that you know nothing about, and might not appreciate if you did. Don't assume that he will there waiting if you decide to pull the plug.

If on the other hand, you feel that staying together is vital because of the kids, then continue to have affairs - discreetly, please - and use them as a way of 'blowing off steam' and pacing yourself until the kids leave the house so that you can too. Not the most pleasant array of choices, true, but marriage is difficult enough. Once kids enter the picture, it becomes a whole new ballgame.

Q: I want to know why do guys look at other women if they are in a relationship? I feel like if they are really in love with a person then they should only have eyes for her. I get so jealous when my honey looks at other women. He says he is not looking and that he does not look but sometimes I catch him doing a double take. I only have eyes for him. I have never been jealous before when I was married to my ex, so why now? MAD AS HELL

A: Guys are visual - that's the way they're wired, and that's the way they are. They like to look. From your point of view, you should be more concerned if they start to *touch*. :)

Q: I've known this couple for 6 years they live in the next street and we've become good friends helping each other out with kids etc. They've always had a 'tempestuous' relationship and I've often felt like I've been in the middle of their arguments. He has been flirtatious with me but I've always felt 'safe' about it because I've never been that interested in him and she seemed fine with it.

The line was crossed the other day when he kissed me and I enjoyed it. I said to him that it goes no further, that things could get very dangerous, but I don't trust him not to use it in some way. Now I'm extremely apprehensive that she will find out and I will lose my friendship with both of them. I feel very bad, very guilty and wish I had set stronger boundaries between me and their relationship because now I'm MISERABLE.

A: The key is to set that boundary right now. If you are not interested in pursuing a further relationship with this guy - and it's not a good idea, he's within your social circle and situations like that can rarely be kept discreet - you must tell him so, the next time he flirts, or tries to kiss you or to go farther. Frankly, he should be more concerned that *you* would tell on *him*, rather than the other way around, but in any event, your best bet is to say look, we're friends, I like you both, the kids like each other, let's not muddy things up. And then stick to your guns.

He'll get the message, but only if you state it clearly, and to him alone. No need to be rude, just decisive. And be sure to examine your own behavior around him, to see if you are giving him mixed messages about how you feel. If you tell him nothing's going to come from this, that's one thing, but you don't want to say something else entirely through your body language.

"Just say no" is the way to go in this case. Be pleasant, but definitive.

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